Giving PvP a Hand!

World PvP is a pretty rare occurence these days, with most people either ignoring it completely or just having the oddnowhining city raid because achievements are cool. Not so for these guys. Zylos Hand, of Frostwhisper, Ravenholdt, Al’Akir and now Burning Blade, have one mission and one mission only: to gank. A highly cowardly practice, I’m sure we all agree. Bolvar with stupid accents certainly does, proclaiming them ‘some kind of noob guild seriously’, and that they should ‘go raid or something’. Crying about their ganking antics aside, some of the realm seem to really enjoy the new take on things. The Hand have objectives like ganking at stones to cut supply lines, which is pretty cool imo. Due to them being a big pain in the backside, this wonderful month hath been proclaimed ‘Whack-a-Rat’ month, and the great omnipotent King Zylopfa has rallied his troops with this stirring war cry:

Greetings Sharandarat,
your subtle insult against King Zylopfa The Omnipotent
has not gone unnoticed. The iron fist of Zylos Hand will strike down
upon thee and break thee like a rotten tree struck by lightning.

Any Ratty uprising will be delt with swiftly and descicively. We shall see
in the comming days if your mouth spills over with that which your guts hold,
or if you indeed have intentions of fulfilling your redicoulous suggestion of
ratty disobedience.

To break your battle moral, the Zylophian Troubadurs and Bards have
versed their discust towards your being and your faction of furry plague carrying rodents.

Final Breath! Final Breath!
Prepare to meet the final death.
The swif blades of the Zylophians
Will spill your guts in northrend lands.

The next verse is for you Sharanda
for your courage this i’ll hand ya
Your insolence is foolishly unheard of
only a paladin with bubble/hs could dream of.

We shall fart right before you bubble
paladin with fresh air trouble?
You will be begging for mercy soon or late
like bolvar fordragon at the wrathgate.

Be warned insolent rats!
This uprising will be met with ironclad
slayers of the hand, with cow and cowdad
standing side by side defending the land
We are the Ratslayers of Zylos Hand!

Hail And K!LL, and let the battle commence!
King Zylopfa The Omnipresent.

All sounds pretty ace to me. Whining and crying about lame ganking, or a cool attempt to revitalise a dead practice? You decide. Hail and kill. (This is not technically hardcore drama I know, but it’s been dramatised in a lighthearted fashion by the members of the realm that aren’t all whining muppets.)

Moving on, the forums are aflame with complaints of a slightly different nature. Since Patch 3.2, twinks have been up in arms about the split battlegrounds; one for those wanting experience, and those for twinks wanting their free kills. This thread attempted to be a well-thought out argument about why the system is terrible, but came across as some guy whining about how he can’t beat the crap out of lowbies anymore. QQ. The OP was deleted, but some guy quoted it in full at post 10. There are many such threads and they only seem to become even more numerous, but now with the XP change to Battlegrounds, it now seems to be more of a case of ‘what other stupid obsolete crap could we possibly whine about?’. Well, for you lucky readers aspiring to be on the level of the most proficient whiners, here are some suggestions.

1) Not being able to hit higher level players. Yes indeed. How is it fair that even now twinks are gone, I can’t go into a Battleground at minimum level and pwn face with my levelling gear?? Hit needs to be removed from BGs so low levels still stand a chance of killing higher level players. It’s not like level should be an advantage in this game at all, gear and skill should be the only thing that matters!!

2) PvP servers are ruined because you can’t camp anymore! The OP, probably realising what a massive prat he was deleted his post, but I have it right here.

Not only has the destruction of twinks like myself in the BGs resulted from Blizzard’s desicion to activate experience in BGs, it’s also had ruinous effects on PVP servers – now you’re unable to corpsecamp lowbies, as they can just queue for a battleground, rez and immediately press the accept button in order to get their experience through the battlegrounds. This is completely outrageous and destroys the spirit of PVP even more than it already has been with cross-faction characters being enabled. Something must be done about this – perhaps a debuff preventing battleground access for 15 minutes after your death to another player.

Yes indeed, World PvP is dead. No longer being able to grief that level 35 hunter that killed you in STV with your level 80 is a crying shame, and I for one declare this game dead. This could indeed be a very clever troll, but then why delete the OP? Besides, it’s not like you can’t just wait for them to repop exactly where they queued from and kill them again. Hilarious nonetheless.

3) Classes aren’t balanced at lower levels! Well shit, who’da thunk it. As such, all classes should henceforth have identical skills, talents, gear and stats in Battlegrounds along with having their latency universally regulated and only be engageable by equal numbers. PvP should also take place on a rectangular map which is exactly symmetrical, and even then PC framerates might make it imbalanced.

4) Not enough experience from PvP! Yes, it’s indeed unfair that in a game primarily built around PvE, you can’t level as fast in Battlegrounds. You should get free experience for running around the middle of WSG like 90% of the other facerolling tards and just XPLODE-ing your way to 80. I wholeheartedly agree that from now on, PvP in repetitive battlegrounds should be the fastest way to level, and while you’re at it allow Recruit-a-Friend PvP mode which gives you a constant damage buff for HKing your way to victory please. And also…

5) You don’t get enough gold from levelling. If you do choose to level through your beloved, highly challenging battlegrounds, you don’t even get any money for it. Not only that, but the gear upgrades stop at 60! Now, what is the point in experience in BGs if I can’t even get anything from it and I will be underpowered and can’t even afford repairs through my glorious conquest???

Yep, WoW sucks. Not in ways you might think though, we’ve all got the boredom factor, or the free epics, or it getting easier and yadda-yadda sadface. If you wanted to be a bit more original in your Blizzard hate though, the PvP forums are churning out some pure gold in terms of solid, imaginative problems and solutions to make this shitty game back into the powerhouse it once was.

-Daine

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One Response to “Giving PvP a Hand!”

  1. ahahahahahahah that corpsecamping complaint of 2) completely cracked me up

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